Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
