I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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