I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
