the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
