i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize