So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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