I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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