my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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