so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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