Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
