8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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