I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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