So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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