If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
