I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
so much tequila, so little girl.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
