I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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