Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
