My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
