I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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