what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
