When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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