life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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