This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
