if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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