i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
