Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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