I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
