You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
