i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
