I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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