so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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