there's paper in my vomit.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
