letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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