You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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