I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
