I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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