I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
