yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
