Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
