The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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