she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
