I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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