I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
