you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
