Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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