Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
