note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
