After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
