I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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