brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize