You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
