Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize