This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
